A few weeks ago I was sorting through some old pictures, papers, and miscellaneous bits when I ran across something that I had written in 2001, 4 years after Kendall and I met. As I reread the words I am surprised at how much my feelings still felt the same even after almost 17 years. I feel compelled to share them with you, in the hope that you all find the great love of your life, the one who makes your face light up, your heart skip a beat, the person that makes you feel safe, alive and above all brings joy to your life.
I often wonder what my last thought on earth will be, I am certain it will be of you.
The way I can hear you before I see you, as I wait for you to round the corner, the anticipation makes my heart pound and my palms sweat, even after all this time. I catch sight of you and I can’t believe how lucky I am , how almost Godlike you appear, the wind in your hair, in absolute command of yourself and your machine.
That smile on you your face when you see me. I wonder sometimes if you know what I am thinking, how magnificent you are to me in that single moment. You don’t, you are not vain. What I see is pure joy and freedom and I again remind myself how lucky I am.
My heart buried into your back as we fly down the highway on your bike, wind in my face. How I have to close my eyes and cling to you, the way that you reach down and stroke my calf asking if I am ok. I grasp you even tighter letting you know that I am in that moment, perfect.
Sometimes I can open my eyes, and I watch our shadow devouring the miles. I am fascinated with your forearms, your hands, your bones, they look so compact in comparison to mine, but I have seen and felt their power, you are masculinity defined. In complete control of your environment, this is where I belong.
In these moments I am so proud to be with you, so straight, tall and confident in yourself. I absorb you into me and I become these things myself. I see myself as beautiful , when I am with you.
It could be the sound of your laughter that I think of. It comes straight up out you, without hesitation, it is loud and free, never mocking or sarcastic. It is frequent, uncontrollable, and genuine. A delight to be shared.
Perhaps it will be, the memory of you rubbing my back when I can’t sleep, non threatening, always affectionate, as you whisper sleep into my ear. Or the instant that I wake from a dream, somehow aware that I need to know that you are there. I am never far away from you in bed, the slightest movement from me and you are pulling me back, safe, and protected.
Lying beside you , I am again mesmerized with the way you are made. How can your rib cage be so broad, the bottoms of your feet so smooth, your hands so powerful and gentle? I can touch you for days, revisiting favorites, and you are content to let me, until desire takes over and you return the attraction, you are a giving, thoughtful, passionate lover.
How can I not hold your kiss as my final thought? Always hungry yet somehow without pressure or obligation. Neither rushed or apathetic, infinitely tender and patient.
Your patience is unequaled, as well as your sense of generosity and decency.
I will treasure always your ability to let me shine, your willingness to let me take the lead, to tolerate my decisions, yet maintain the capacity to recognize when I am uneasy, and effortlessly step into the spotlight without making me feel inferior. I trust your judgement above all others, even if you invariably expect me to consider my own. You are the first person I turn to for advice and guidance even if I already know the solution. You validate my thoughts and ideas, never trying to urge me in a different direction.
I will always remember the way it frustrates you when I cry. I can see it in your face, but your words are never angry, never cold. You convince me to talk even when you know I will be harsh, and I imagine you could never understand.
I hurt you, and you take it all, never abandoning me, even when I hate myself so much that I think that you should. You are unfailing in your loyalty to me.
It is conceivable that my final thought could be the waiting, wanting, missing and longing for you that I have come to know so well. I know exactly where we stand, and I realize that neither of us requires constant togetherness. Yet, when I am feeling vulnerable, you are the one I wish to reach out for. I have learned to keep my distance, the space that lie between us keep us healthy, alive and growing. You have taught me to rely on myself, rather than run you with every minor defeat. When I finally come to you, broken and weak seeking your steadfastness and honesty, you know my pain is real. In this way, you have made me strong. I wear my strength as an armor of pride, that I am able to handle myself and know you are proud of me for that. You and only you know the true “me”, the best and the flawed, you have seen every side that is mine and accept it unconditionally.
If I could choose one perfect moment to keep permanently, the moment that I carry closest to my heart. It would be the scent of you on my skin. It sneaks up and startles me, there you are beside me, a whisper on my wrist, a trace of you on the collar of my shirt. I breathe you in, and our moments together flood my senses. I am swept away with gratitude at my good fortune with having you in my life and a smile passes my face as I envision our next encounter if we make it to the next life together, knowing that I am not alone, that I am loved.
554 days later my feelings haven’t changed. I love him, miss him, and thank God everyday for bringing him into my life.
Celebrate the ones you love, hold them close, cherish every moment with them. The fights, be annoyed, smile when they piss you off. You really never know when they will be gone. And yes It can Happen to You.